When Shame and Guilt Take the Wheel
Earlier this year, I wrote a blog post called "Culturally Confused". I shared how I will be diving deeper into some common areas of struggle for the South Asian community, such as shame and guilt. Read along to learn why children of immigrants, particularly in the South Asian community, are more prone to experiencing shame and guilt, how toxic positivity can also play a factor into these emotions, and some of my own takeaways in how to navigate these emotions. This post is not to put blame on those who raised us. It is to share information and increase awareness on why children of immigrants experience this easily, and what can be done about it moving forward as we redefine and embrace multiculturalism. Let's get into this big topic!
(Google Images)
Collectivist at Home; Individualist in Society
Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, say, or even achieve, you still feel a sense of guilt because it doesn't measure up to some expectation? Then you start to feel ashamed that it doesn't measure up and believe in that lie?
Yeah. Same.
The South Asian culture is collectivist, meaning the needs and goals of a group are emphasized and trump over an individual's needs, dreams and desires. The mutual goal is unity, which can be a good thing. But it doesn't always feel like that. There are pros and cons to this collectivist mindset.
For instance, some pros would be knowing that there is typically support from others in the group if someone is struggling. How many of you would say you know of someone in your family that would literally take the shirt off their back and give it to someone in need? You may have even seen it happen. People will drop everything to attend to the one group member who is impacted. It can be a humbling thing to witness as the collectivist culture teaches how to be more people-minded, and make decisions based on what's best for the group.
Though the idea of unity is the main pursuit in collectivism, there are cons that come with this social principle. Many are not able to pursue their own dreams or goals since the results from decisions made by one individual can directly influence everyone in the group. Members of the group may find themselves not reaching their potential because their own interests, ideas, and desires have been quelled by the opinions and beliefs of the group. They may feel a loss of identity and demonstrate more compromising behaviors, which in turn leads to unhealthy coping mechanisms. People may bottle up anger and resentment, and find a decrease in their own self-esteem.
We are trying to figure out "who we are" because that's what the western society has consistently asked us to do, but we are told "what to do" in order to uphold and honor the group we were born into.
Guilt Vs. Shame
I subscribed to receive monthly workbooks from South Asian Therapists. In one of the workbooks, the author shares how guilt is actually conditioned. We're taught what to feel guilty about. I think that's why it feels so complex because within our brown homes, we have a tendency to feel guilty for doing the smallest things, such as self-care or treating ourselves. We're asked why we are doing such things, and looked at with disapproval. But outside our homes, practices like that are encouraged.
Though guilt can be healthy in some ways, as it keeps us accountable for our actions and persuades us to use our conscience wisely (when we're in tune with it that is), shame coincides with guilt. Shame is more internal and is influenced by how we see ourselves. Shame can convince people to believe that something is fundamentally wrong with them, and that because they are lacking in something, they may fall into the lies of thinking they're unworthy of things like love, belonging, acceptance, etc.
Raj Kaur (2021) shares, "guilt says, 'I did something bad', whereas shame says, 'I am bad.'"
There are many common areas of feeling shame and guilt for children of immigrants, including putting their needs ahead of the family, being in love with someone the family doesn't approve of, career choices that don't reach some high standards, and even marital status. If you resonate feeling this way in any of these areas, I hope you know that you are NOT alone.
Message Received
As children of immigrants, I think a big reason we are prone to feeling guilt and shame is because most of us are trying to be an individual in a collectivist group. We are trying to figure out "who we are" because that's what the western society has consistently asked us to do, but we are told "what to do" in order to uphold and honor the group we were born into. Something that seems appropriate in one culture is something that contradicts the ideas and expectations in the other culture. So where does guilt and shame come in?
I think it derives from the messages we heard growing up. Things like...
"What about all I have done for you?" or "I'm getting older. I'm not going to be around forever." -The more conditions and life events, such as mortality, are used, we can feel like our loved ones' sacrifices, nurture, and care are to be repaid. However, that is an unrealistic expectation to meet. It cannot humanly be done. Attempting to repay them will only lead to more feelings of low self-esteem, self-doubt, and minimizing one's strengths and gifts because of how unachievable this is. Honestly, I think we are constantly reminded about how much our caregivers sacrificed for us. Am I grateful for it? Absolutely. But do I feel like I will ever measure up in what I do to their sacrifice? Not at all.
"What will people say?" -This is probably the most common saying I think many children of immigrants hear. Honestly, if I had a nickel for every time I've heard this, I would probably be able to pay off everyone's student loans. No joke. This message can easily be internalized into caring more about what others think instead of what you think of yourself. I personally still deal with the repercussions of internalizing this message. I have caught my mind falling into people pleasing tendencies in order "keep the peace" and not let a decision of mine impact the group during moments or seasons of high stress. It's exhausting, and if you can relate, know that it's possible to change the thoughts that arise from this message (more on how to do that later in this post).
Love = Sacrifice -It appears that there's this idea in the South Asian culture that if you love something or someone, showing that you care means putting your needs last consistently. To show love means to sacrifice everything. It comes across as "being humble" and a way to unify the group. Unfortunately, continually putting someone else's needs before your own will only lead to resentment and bitterness. We can be accused of being selfish the moment we don't sacrifice our needs. But the truth is, it isn't selfish to do that. We can't give wholeheartedly if our cup is completely empty. If we are attempting to give with an empty cup, it's done out of obligation and not out of true sincerity.
"...our mountain as children of immigrants is this... Trying to connect with the roots of our lineage, live in the present as a multicultural individual and realizing we may have to rewrite what our future was told to be."
Intergenerational Mountains
If any of this is resonating with you so far, I want you to know you are NOT alone. I have personally felt guilt and shame with messages I received growing up. It still impacts me to this day, but it has helped to gain tools to navigate these emotions thanks to counseling, self-reflection and changes in self-dialogue.
Immigrating to another country was our loved ones’ mountain. They came to search for better opportunities and to care for us (whether we were born, in the womb, or to come years after). Their mountain had valleys of feeling like an outsider 24/7 and constantly being in survival mode. Honestly, I can't imagine what it's like to come to a new, foreign place with just a little bit of money, not knowing anyone, the language, or having any ties to their heritage in order to start a new life. They searched for unity collectively in a new place to ensure future generations to have a better life, while holding onto what they know as "home"- tight knit, family oriented, and traditional.
Yet, even though that was their mountain, I think our mountain as children of immigrants is this -->
Trying to connect with the roots of our lineage, live in the present as a multicultural individual, and realizing we may have to rewrite what our future was told to be.
From the start, it was like we had this blueprint for our lives. This blueprint had this "perfect" outline of what we'd grow up to be, who and when we'd marry, and maybe even how many children we'd have and even their names. Oof... that's a pretty big mountain to climb and carry.
False responsibility and toxic positivity
Carrying and walking this mountain may have taught you to take on some false responsibilities. Do you feel responsible for things that you don't necessarily need to be responsible for? Things like raising other family members, finances of the family, or ensuring everyone else's needs are met and they're happy. We can feel like everything is both our fault and responsibility at the same time when the guilt and shame start driving the wheel in our minds.
Then we're told to be positive and to be grateful for what we have if we show even an ounce of discontentment with our lives. That's also toxic. How? Well, though the intent of being told to be positive/grateful can be well meaning, it also can provoke feelings of shame and guilt. The intent may be, "I care about you and I don't want you to feel anything other than happy." But the impact may be, "I can't be positive for everything all the time considering I don't feel heard and I feel responsible for everyone and everything. Now I feel guilty and ashamed for not showing the gratitude I do have for what I have. "
*Something to note here, emotions are not positive or negative. They are neutral. Emotions give us information about what's important to us or when something important to us has been impacted. However, when we do not have the language to recognize this, we can easily feel more prone to shame and guilt in most situations.
So where do we go from here?
Action Steps:
I'll be honest. Coming up with action steps for this topic was hard. I am still working through this myself on the daily. But here's what I've been trying to practice to help me navigate these emotions.
Incorporate the word "and" into your vocabulary. -I think in the South Asian community, we're taught to have such black and white thinking. It's always this or that, and it can't be both. For instance, its "help your parents in anyway possible" or "be disowned if you don't", "choose this career because your caregivers said so" or "try the career you want to but be judged for it", or even "get married at this time" or "be looked down upon for not following a timeline of others expectations of your love life". This is something I am unlearning. I find that being honest with myself and noticing what emotions I am experiencing helps me to feel less shame and guilt. Changing that inner dialogue is affirming and validating. Here are some examples of what you can say:
-I am grateful for what my caregivers have provided me with, AND feel the struggles of upholding the expectations of a collectivist group I was born into. -It's possible to enjoy a career I love AND feel sadness from the disapproval of loved ones about this choice. -It's okay for me to be in the relationship I want to be in AND feel sad that my family doesn't accept this person as I have.
-"AND" can diminish the way shame makes us feel about ourselves and acknowledge what is true and human about us.
2. Going off of the first step, finding ways to change that inner dialogue is extremely helpful. I work with my counselor on this. I find that getting to the root of what is causing the guilt and seeing if it's healthy guilt or irrelevant, helps me to unlearn unhealthy thinking habits. Pinpointing where it's all coming from helps to increase self-awareness and move forward with our lives mindfully and more authentically ourselves. Check out my resources page to consider finding a counselor!
3. Be gentle with yourself in this process of unlearning. The voice of guilt and shame in our heads has taken a lot of time to grow. It will take time to grow that inner voice of kindness, compassion, and care as you unlearn. It won't happen overnight, but as you continue the process, you'll see its effects and be fueled to keep going and make a change in your inner world to live genuinely and wholeheartedly.
Here's to you, friend, and to your growth to taking the first steps to change your experience with guilt and shame. You don't have to walk or carry this mountain alone. You weren't meant to. You are here to live your life as the truest and most authentic version of you.
References
Kaur, R. (2021). "Shame and Guilt" . South Asian Therapists
Comments