In Honor of AAPI Month
AAPI Month stands for Asian American, Native Hawaiian and Pacific Islander Heritage. May recognizes those who identify with these ethnic groups to celebrate and educate others on cultures, traditions, history and more. Take time to learn about AAPI here!
May- A Both/And
What a month it's been.
There’s been a lot of joyous celebrations like my cousin’s wedding, friends birthdays, anniversaries, to spring finally unveiling herself in nature. There’s been little wins to celebrate too for me personally. I’ve noticed a new level of flexibility thanks to my new exercise regimen, getting SO CLOSE to finishing my Etsy shop, and having vulnerable breakthroughs in therapy. May is also Speech Language Pathologist month (as I like to call it), mental health awareness month, and Asian American and Pacific Islander Heritage Month. Needless to say, there’s a lot that comes with those three occasions!
Yet, with all these joyous things, the month has been such a whirlwind. It’s brought…
-some new mental health obstacles
-an illness that brought me to the ER (which some of you may know can be a trigger point for me).
-an increase in stress, anxiety and depression, particularly from the illness.
-fear of the future and changes I see in the distance.
-The illness caused a sudden pause in dreams and aspirations I had set out to start seizing during this month. This was particularly hard to experience. When I got sick, I had to rearrange my plans that invested in dreams of mine. This left me feeling quite desolate, especially because I am more of a dreamer type.
May felt like a both/and. It's been joyful AND hard. It's been full of celebrations AND hardships. It's been great AND low.
When The Rug Gets Pulled
It’s not a great feeling to get so sick during what’s supposed to be a fun month. I thrive off of having things to look forward to, being able to celebrate others, and showing up for others mindfully and presently 110% of the time. Suddenly being triggered, having the rug pulled from beneath me, finding that my current mental health tool kit didn’t seem to work made me feel like I messed up and I failed somehow. All I wanted was to be consoled like a child in their mother’s arms. To make the pain go away, to wipe my tears, and to tell me that things were going to get better. I wanted reassurance that getting severely sick wasn’t my fault. Not knowing what was causing my sickness and why there was this sudden change in my atmosphere freaked me out. I replayed in my head what I ate, how I managed my stress, and people and places I went to but nothing seemed to pinpoint why I couldn’t keep foods and liquids in.
I was scared.
I was told I “should have '' taken other measures when I initially felt unwell in order to prevent the severity of what happened.
I was anxious that I messed up my life and dream's trajectory.
I thought I failed somehow.
It can feel like the worst thing when you’re trying to rest and you know you need to, but your mind won’t shut up. The anxious voice kept trying to convince me of things like:
-being a burden
-being a failure
-being a hypocrite because I tell others to take care of themselves but I somehow didn’t do that myself.
-Asking too much of my parents (even though it was their decision to drop everything, drive 6 hours to come and take care of me) since they’re also aging and can’t do some things as easily as they once could.
"May felt like a both/and. It's been joyful AND hard."
The voice also said things like:
-You should have done better.
-You’re letting people at work down.
-You used up all your sick days. You’re not going to get paid for the days you take off now. You needed to have done better.
-So much for the exercise progress you made. You’re not really that strong or flexible as you were.
-Your students' progress has been impacted.
-You should be better with this anxiety already. Were you actually triggered? (Don’t you love when the anxiety tries to gaslight you 🙄)
-You’re hard to love in this state.
It sucks doesn’t it? When you know the thoughts that come up in your mind are the voice of anxiety, but your heart and being is totally convinced. It’s harder when you feel like you’re using everything in your mental health tool kit to manage the thoughts and only experience slight pockets of feeling better.
Sitting with It
So how did I navigate it?
Well, if I’m being completely honest, I’m still trying to figure that out. I am still recovering from what I learned is some virus that impacted my upper respiratory system and GI tract. Managing my mental space looks different everyday, and you know what? That’s okay. I used what I have in my tool kit to help in ways I can. It may not take away the pain completely but it does help me to be able to sit with these thoughts that come up and not let it penetrate me.
I’ve taken time off of social media and allowed myself to refocus on other things. For instance, I’ve been rereading Harry Potter and I absolutely love it. This may sound like I’m distracting myself but I think there’s a difference between distraction and refocusing. Distraction can lead to avoidance. Reading, watching something, and purposely not facing any problem leads to numbing and a more intense experience of the problem. Refocusing means giving time to the problem and sitting with it, but then intentionally taking time to focus on something else. The key here is “sitting with it”.
Sitting with things is hard and vulnerable. And trust me, I do NOT want to sit with things when I have no energy and am feeling on edge at the same time. When I did take time to sit with the emotions coming up, I came to realize that how I was feeling was so valid. Getting sick is never part of our plan. Missing work is usually not part of the plan either. Missing out on fun events and sunny days and having to be in bed instead is not something anyone would enjoy. Telling myself and allowing myself to believe that my feelings are valid was super helpful.
I was able to feel my feels, cry it out if needed, and this all helped me to slowly move forward- even if it was one step, or even one toe at a time.
"Managing my mental space looks different everyday, and you know what? That's okay."
Lessons from Sequoia Tree
An image I like to hold on in my mind is the first time I saw a coastal sequoia tree in Muir Woods, California. These trees are massive- averaging between 200-300 feet tall. You can imagine how small I felt standing next to one of these at 5’1”. The tops of these trees seemed like they lived in another dimension as I would extend my neck and look as high as I could to try and see them. On the tour I went of the Muir woods, the guide mentioned that though these trees are rooted to the ground, they can’t get all the water and nutrients from the soil like other trees because they are so tall. It turns out, the tops of these beautiful sequoias have needles with pores that open up to receive moisture and nutrients from the air and fog. How cool is that?
I like to hold on to this image because it reminds me to stay rooted in truth and to keep my head held high to receive from above and around. As I try and hold on to this image during this slow and steady process to recovery, I have found that though I may feel convinced of the lies the anxious voice says, they are not true. I have the power to check in with my roots and reframe what I am taking in.
For instance, when my mind starts to believe that I’m a burden, I think of the sequoia tree and remember the truth (I like to say “truth root”), that I am a human being, and not meant to have it all together all the time.
When the lie says I’m too much, I hold steadfast to the root that I am enough.
When I find that the lies seem bigger than my roots, I look up and take in what's around and above me. I remember:
It’s okay to feel how I am feeling.
It’s okay to need help and ask for it.
I am loved, doing my best, and I don’t need to strive right now.
It’s okay to let others help me, especially my parents.
What’s happening right now matters and this pain won’t be wasted.
I can talk to myself as I would talk to a close friend.
God has me.
It can feel counterintuitive to say these things to myself. I feel that many children of immigrants have adopted traditional views from caregivers regarding mental health. We are taught to try and be “emotionally resilient”, to have a high work drive and be adaptable- no matter the situation or emotions surrounding it. This plays a big factor in making it difficult to ask for help, to explain what’s going on internally, and to even sit with our feelings. However, as I continue to attend therapy, self-reflect, and be more aware of my internal state, I believe that emotional resilience doesn’t come from numbing or quieting the thoughts and feelings that come up and being adaptable. It comes from being curious and open to learning more what’s been rooted to make a thought or emotion come up and to change/uproot if needed in order to live more wholeheartedly, authentically and mindfully.
So this is how I’ve been managing. It’s not easy and each day looks different. Sometimes each hour looks different. And that is okay. So friend, if you’ve had a particularly hard day, month, year, season, etc. and similar thoughts have entered your mind- please know you're not alone. ThoughI may not be able to take your pain away, I’ll hold your hand through it.
(Shout out to those who have done this for me and have continued to do so as I heal!)
"When the lie says I’m too much, I hold steadfast to the root that I am enough. When I find that the lies seem bigger than my roots, I look up and take in what's around and above me."
A lesson I learn again and again is that pain is temporary. It may not feel like it, but it is. There is an end in sight, even if that line is not visible at the moment.
Being human is hard. But we don’t have to let those hardships take away or steal our truths. We don’t have to sink if we are anchored in truths. We don’t have to rot if we are rooted in what’s true.
I hope and pray you’re a little kinder to yourself as you navigate whatever it may be that you're facing. I hope these words brought some consolation and that you know, especially if you are a child of immigrants, it’s okay to seek professional help. It may be the way to true freedom.
(Feel free to check out tips and resources on finding a therapist here)
I am thankful for the therapists I see and how much richer and full the garden in my mind becomes when things are properly tended to.
You are not alone.
You are not your thoughts.
You are loved.
You are seen.
You are known.
You can heal.
You can do it.
Action Steps
-Some practices you can try. These are to not take place of professional help but can be a guide and an extra resource if you find that your mind space has been difficult to navigate.
How can you reframe your lies? What would you change them to? How can you talk to yourself as if you'd talk to a friend?
Do you avoid or refocus? What do you feel like you’re avoiding? What do you refocus on?
What is 1 practice to be intentional with your time this week? Do you have an accountability buddy? I find that having a buddy helps me to do what I commit to and follow through with it. Something I was recently intentional with was staying off of social media. As fun as it is to see the new trends, silly videos and be connected to others in that way, social media can also be a place of anxiety. Taking time away helps me to center myself more and focus one what really matters- my loved ones and life around me.
Are there any images of a place or thing that brings stillness to your being? Is there a way for you to see this image daily? (i.e. phone screen, print it out and place it on a mirror, or even use it as a bookmark!)
Book Recommendation!
Read Sahaj Kohli's new book! I highly recommend this for anyone who is a child of immigrants or knows a child of immigrants! This book provides insight, deep reflection and information for those who have felt like they are seeking for answers and pieces to their story their whole life. Check it out here!
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