Culturally Confused?
Yeah. Me too.
What do I mean by "Culturally Confused?" I mean feeling "too brown" with my white friends and "too white" with my brown family.
Oof. That's hard for me to admit and write. But it's true.
Since the pandemic started, I've had some more time to sit with my feelings, dive into research, and begin doing some inner-work on understanding my identity as an Indian American.
“Feeling 'too brown' with my white friends and 'too white' with my brown family'.
I grew up in a South Asian household with parents who immigrated here from India. Like many, my parents came to the States with $20 in their pocket, not knowing the language but ready to sacrifice anything to ensure their children could live better lives. I am beyond grateful they did as their decisions and my upbringing have become a beautiful part of our stories. But like any story, there are caveats.
This post will acknowledge the confusion that came with trying to navigate two different cultures (three for me as I've experienced Deaf culture as well thanks to my amazing siblings!) and hopefully provide some new perspectives for you and/or your culturally confused loved ones to embrace the beauty of your cultures.
NOTE: This post is from my own experience. It may look different for another South Asian Indian growing up in America. I cannot speak for everyone's experiences, but can share from mine.
Roots
Growing up in an Indian household meant trying to uphold the expectations of the Indian culture, but also trying to fit in and find myself within the western American culture. I felt like I was "brown" at home and attempting to be "white" at school. There were barely a handful of Indian students where I went to school. It was quite isolating and exhausting trying to figure out where I belong. It was also tiring to explain things about myself. People assumed I was vegetarian, spoke "Hindu" (which by the way, is a religion. The correct word is "Hindi". No one is fluent in a religion), that my dad worked at Dunkin Donuts or 7/11, and that every type of food I ate was spicy. People also assumed I'd have an arranged marriage, or because I have a nose ring, that I am married! (TOTALLY FALSE). I would shock people when I shared that my family practices Christianity, my dad does not in fact work at Dunkin', and that I speak Malayalam, a common language in the southern most part of Indian (specifically Kerala. Where are my Mallus at?!)
They were in disbelief to hear something so... "foreign" to them. It's not always easy to feel like I have to explain myself. But lately, I've been appreciating that sharing things about my culture can be a new way to educate others who simply don't have the knowledge.
Let's Break it Down- Brown Style 💃🏽
Transitioning into adulthood and journeying into all the changes that come with that, I have experienced a lot of bicultural stress. What seems very normal in one culture may not be in the other one and vice versa. It's like a tango of what feels right, wrong, authentic, and clear. Here are a few common areas that many children of immigrants try to balance.
-Mental Health
-Boundaries and Expectations
-Relationships and Dating
-Shame/Guilt and Toxic Gratitude
-The Intertwining of Faith and Culture
Do any of those resonate with you? If so, I want you to know that you are not alone. It may feel hard to feel the many emotions that come with trying to balance everything, and that's totally valid. I will be diving deeper into some of these topics into a series in the next few months.
Be YOU.
Living a double life is not fun. Nor does it feel authentic. But your life doesn't have to be split in two. In fact, being bicultural has its perks. You can embrace things from each culture and bless the world with your unique bicultural being.
“You can take a little bit of the East and a little bit of the West, and create a formulaic soup in life that works best for you: no one else has to drink it if they don’t like”. -Selin Senol-Akin, Set Free Your Flow: A Centered View
As a bicultural individual, we can bring such unique perspectives anywhere! We expose others to new and diverse views, which is always a good thing! We can also bring about new music, food, traditions, customs and so much more wherever we go! As long as we are willing to discuss it. Growing up, I'm sure it felt like an internal struggle of just trying to fit in. If you ever hid things from the dominant culture, it's not too late to share about your roots. You have so much to bring and if the States is supposed to be a melting pot, then what you bring will only flavor it more :) If your upbringing was tough with trying to assimilate outside the home, living out many roles, facing language barriers, and suppression of your authentic self, emotions, beliefs, and even boundaries, once again you are not alone. I'm sorry for the pain that has caused you. But I hope what you do with the pain helps you to embrace your biculturalism. As author Selin Senoal-Akin stated in her book Set Free Your Flow: A Centered View, "You can take a little bit of the East and a little bit of the West, and create a formulaic soup in life that works best for you: no one else has to drink it if they don't like."
Here's to reinventing our cultures. Here's to being authentically us and culturally composed :)
Action Steps
Write down 3-5 things you are grateful for in each culture. Here's an example of mine:
-How family oriented my life is- Though this can be tough to handle at times, having family support has taught me more of a positive outlook in my life. They are there at the end of the day and a safety net for us if we fall. My parents have been there for me during some tough seasons in my life without judgement. They know what it's like to have suffered and make extreme sacrifices to ensure the well-being of their kids. I am grateful for how they have shown up and provided in ways I felt like I didn't deserve. I know this may not be the case for everyone, and I hope that one day it can be for you.
-My upbringing- Though it's been hard to navigate the opinions and beliefs that have also immigrated with my family, I think my upbringing has shown me how to speak out about things. We are expected to be silent and sweep things under the rug, but I think it's important to articulate parts of my story, especially for the people who feel like they can't. It's part of the reason I started this blog- to help others know their not alone and that their bicultural experience matters.
-Being different! I know I used to be embarrassed at times speaking a different language on the phone to my parents, or even wearing some traditional wear to places outside of church and family gatherings. But now, I find it to be cool! I am bringing a little piece of myself wherever I go and there's nothing abnormal about it.
-Hands down the food! Seriously, you should try Chicken Biryani.
-Cultural parties. Honestly, Indians just know how to party and this is something I will always be grateful for!
2. Feel like you're not familiar enough with your roots? Take time to learn more about it! Interview your parents and/or grandparents about their upbringing. It'll help you feel more connected and have a better understanding of ancestral ties.
3. Check out my resources page if you'd like some more support and other ways to explore your roots!
