Am I missing something?
When your Mental Health Tool Kit Seems to Have Stopped Working
Have you ever been in therapy, learning strategies to cope with life’s challenges, only to have them suddenly stop working when life throws something unexpected your way? Or have you ever walked out of a session feeling like you’re ready to conquer the world, only to find yourself stumbling when faced with something new?
Yeah. I’ve been there. Actually, I am there.
Impermanent Grace
“An old flower that withers away has shown its elegant grace that it’s lived through its life cycle.”
As I reflect on 2024, the word that best captures it is unexpected. I didn’t expect to move across the country. I didn’t expect to face the death of a best friend’s parent or witness someone my age grappling with such a profound loss. I didn’t expect to get so sick that I missed work, ended up in the hospital, and found myself battling a mountain of medical bills (#canwepleasefixthehealthcaresystem?).
I also didn’t expect the breakthroughs in therapy—the new awareness of my thought patterns, and the realization that there’s always more to untangle. I didn’t expect to feel more secure in myself, more willing to try new things even when they scare me. I didn’t expect to embrace more of my own strengths and limitations (though I’m learning that this will always be a work in progress!)
Life has felt more tender this year. Change, whether anticipated or unexpected, reveals the fragility of our human experience. But it’s also in this impermanence that we find our resilience. Though it may sound paradoxical, think of it this way: A flower that withers away does so with grace—having lived through its entire cycle. It starts small, grows through many changes, and eventually shows a combination of elegance, poise, and beauty—not just in its bloom, but in its withering, too. Isn’t this what growth feels like for us? Change introduces new circumstances, challenges, and opportunities. It shows us where we’ve grown—and where we still have room to bloom.
Living my best life?
After moving, many people have said to me, “You’re living your best life!” or “You’re always having so much fun, aren’t you?” They ask, “Where are you going next, world traveler?” While their words are well-meaning, they don’t always resonate with me.
California has always been my dream state. The rhythm of the Pacific Ocean, the lush mountains, the vibrant diversity—it’s what drew me here. There are days when I feel like I am living my best life, and yes, I’m already dreaming about my next adventure. But what you see on social media isn’t the full picture. You don’t see the sleepless nights filled with homesickness, the calls to my parents with tears in my eyes, or the self-doubt that creeps in—wondering if I made the right choice. You don’t see the anxiety that involuntarily accompanies me on a day to day, or the depression that can hit out of nowhere. You don’t see the effort it takes to apply the coping strategies I learned in therapy, or the courage it takes to keep trying new things. The “hard” parts are part of the growth I knew would come with a new chapter.
Though moving here was a dream come true, it was also one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made. I left behind everything I knew—my family, my closest friends, a job that inspired me, and a community that made me feel like I mattered. So why did I leave all of that behind?
Because, had I stayed, I would have missed what was calling me. And just like a flower knows when it’s time for change, I knew I had to grow, too.
Uprooting and Replanting
“Balancing roots with wings isn’t easy. But grace creates a space within that finds harmony and freedom.”
Coming to California has felt like a dream, though I’m not exactly where I want to be yet. There’s something beautiful about uprooting from one place and replanting in another, though it also brings up feelings of fear, loss, and uncertainty. These emotions are just as important to acknowledge as the excitement.
What I didn’t realize was how being far from all that was familiar would impact my mental health. I’m learning that, while I feel more secure being “on my own,” the strategies I used to manage anxiety and depression in the past don’t seem to work the same way here. It can feel isolating when you don’t have your closest support system nearby, when you’re still figuring out who you can share your struggles with, or what new resources are available.
For many children of immigrants, we were taught to keep our struggles within the family, to avoid sharing the “hard” things out of fear of judgment. It’s a mindset I’m still working to overcome. And it’s interesting how being in a new place, facing new changes, can bring up old patterns of thinking. But I want to take a different approach here.
Giving yourself Grace
The theme of grace often visits me during moments of solitude- mainly when I journal, pray, and reflect in nature. I like to define "Grace" as a gentle way of inviting in kindness, forgiveness, and unmerited compassion. It's something I struggle giving myself. Many of us are hard on ourselves, especially as children of immigrants. There’s this unspoken belief that we have to "earn" grace and work hard towards everything- whether it’s self-improvement or cultivating a resilient mind. We're taught to work hard to make our caregivers' legacy of coming to a new place "worth it”. We're taught to honor their story, but this can often lead to minimizing our experiences and overlooking our needs, thinking we have to push through. We feel grateful for the opportunities our caregivers fought for, but we’re not always given the tools to honor what we want to do with that legacy—or the lives we want to build for ourselves.
If you’re taught to constantly show up with grace for others, especially because of their choices, but don’t extend that same grace to yourself, it can feel like a turmoil in your mind.
Why is it so hard for us to extend the same care and love to ourselves that we so freely give to others? I think it’s because it feels uncomfortable. When we’re raised in a survival mentality, love can become something we must earn or prove—it feels transactional. But grace, real grace, is freely given. It’s unearned, unjudged. It’s the very thing that allows us to be human, to struggle, to grow, and to fail, all without losing our worth.
"Grace is the face love wears when it meets imperfection." -Joseph R. Cooke
Food for Thought
What if we shifted the narrative? What if we honored the sacrifices our parents made for us and, at the same time, practiced gentleness toward ourselves? What if we were kind to ourselves in moments of change, even when it’s hard? What if we forgave ourselves for being tough on our minds and hearts and allowed ourselves to experience self-compassion? Wouldn't this create a space for true freeness and space to show gratitude for the decisions our caregivers made, while also honoring our own journey toward healing and self-compassion.
This shift in thinking isn’t easy, especially when we’ve been taught to see things in black and white. But it’s possible. As I navigate the changes in my life and anticipate more in this new chapter, I’ve come to understand that grace is a way of being—one that transcends understanding. It’s about giving myself space to say, “This change is hard, but I can do it.” It’s reminding myself that just because some strategies aren’t working right now doesn’t mean I’m failing. A difficult day or week doesn’t mean I’m taking a step backward. Balancing roots with wings isn’t easy. But grace creates a space within that finds harmony and freedom. It helps me to ground myself and also leap. I can grow in the chaos without feeling like I’m losing ground.
Grace is also part of the legacy I’m building. It’s a way to honor the sacrifices my parents made while also honoring my own journey toward healing. On the hard days, it’s saying to myself, “You didn’t mess up. You’re doing the best you can, and that’s more than enough.”
So, to anyone who feels like they’re missing something, or is struggling with change:
You are exactly where you need to be, even if it doesn’t feel that way.You are doing more than enough, and it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling.It won’t always feel this way. You’ve already come so far.
With love and flavor,
Anissa Pizza
Action Steps
Here are some action steps you can take. A reminder that these do not take the place of therapy. If you or someone you know is struggling, I highly recommend seeking a therapist who can offer personalized tools and strategies. Check out this link on how to find a mental health professional.
Create a familiar routine. For example,I make time for movement and journaling each day—whether it’s a walk after work or journaling before bed. Knowing I have something constant in the middle of many changes is helpful!
Celebrate your wins. Each day, journal one thing you're proud of. At the end of the week, revisit it. I've been tracking moments where I practiced "self-trust," and it’s helpful for me to see how I’ve grown in it. It’s also a reminder to celebrate my progress and to trust the process in this opportunity for grace to do its thing and lift me up.
Stay connected with your inner circle. Stay connected with your inner circle! This is so important, especially if you are trying to meet new people and build a community. Having regular Facetimes/calls with my inner circle has been grounding!
Embrace the new. Try one new thing each week or month. Recently, I pushed myself to ride roller coasters (which I usually avoid) at Universal—and ended up having a blast! I've also been learning about personal finance, which has been both fun and practical. If taking more time to rest is something new for you too, embrace that as well 🙂
Meet yourself where you're at. Acceptance is a powerful way to invite grace into your life. On days when anxiety, depression, or OCD are loud in my mind, I find that accepting my feelings instead of resisting them helps me “feel through it” and move forward. It's not an easy process, but approaching it with grace and patience is helpful.
Additional Resources
1. FREE Seminar on a holistic way to approach growth/healing -
https://www.sevencenterslifeschool.com/call
2. Two of my favorite yoga channels that include with somatic practices. This helps me get out of my mind and into my body:
https://www.youtube.com/@manumitevova
https://www.youtube.com/@yogawithadriene
3. Mini Series on “How to Feel a Feeling”. Brittney Piper is a somatic healing practitioner and has some insightful videos!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCslI8s4ASc
4. A refreshing weekly newsletter you can sign up for by one of my favorite authors- Nicola Jane Hobbs
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