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Sep 30, 20229 min read

Semicolon ;

noun

-Brings hope that the story isn't over yet, and hope to the ones who fought instead of ending it all.

-Indication that a person has opted to continue instead of stopping.

-The etched mark on the most bravest person's heart for choosing life, even when it feels like life didn't choose them.


This post shares a little snippet of my mental health journey and steps you can take to develop a healthier mind and relationship with yourself.


To those who have helped me to untangle some tight knots, reshape myself, and hold my hand through this healing journey, I thank you from the depths of my heart. You all are amazing and I am beyond grateful to be here at the same time as you.


This picture above was taken recently by my housemate on a little girls trip we went on. One of my first thoughts was, "Wow. I look so happy." I had to take a moment to pause and sit with that thought. I was surprised I even had that thought come up. I mean, I am happy. Maybe every day isn't happy but I try to be optimistic and realistically positive. So why did it shock me when I had this reaction? I took time to reflect and well, here's what I discovered.


The last couple of years has been all about untangling. Untangling some core beliefs, lies, habits, and getting to the root of patterns and emotions within me. I think the main reason I was surprised by my own reaction is because I realized I believed it. I do feel happy. Not because I have my stuff together (honestly, who even does?), or because I was on a trip, or anything. But because I met myself where I was at and have been on a journey accepting what has happened to me and shaping where I'm going.


⚠️ *Trigger Warning* ⚠️

The following part of this post discusses content related to: mental health, suicidal ideation, anxiety and depression. Please do not continue reading if this content will bring up anything within you. I care about your mental health 💜



Mental Health Journey


About 4 or so years ago, my mental health took a toll. It wasn't the first time it did, but this time was more significant and severe. I had moved away from family and friends to start a new chapter in my life and was unequipped with the mental tool kit I have now. I felt like I was in a pit- one that was heavy on my chest and in my head. Yet, I felt hollow at the same time. I struggled to get out of bed, had frequent anxiety attacks, and felt like I was withering away. People who cared for me continuously told me that things would get better, but my heart just could not believe it for some reason.


As time went on, the pit deepened and I began to feel like a burden to others. I tried everything I could to help myself. I attempted various routines, exercised more, pray "harder", and tried every self-help practice I could get my hands on. It didn't work though. Eventually, I started to feel like I had no purpose, and things would be better if I wasn't here. I felt covered by shadows and was sitting at the bottom of a cave in my mind.


It got to a point where I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. I intentionally wouldn't. I didn't want to see my pain or how I felt like a ghost. I didn't want to face how worthless I felt and be reminded of the lie that my presence didn't matter. These thoughts began to scare me and I asked myself, "what the hell happened to me?". I wasn't like this before. I used to have this zest for life, and it just disappeared. These lyrics from one of my favorite songs describes how I felt perfectly:


"Oh trust, where have you gone?

I used to sing you like a song.

Oh my arms were open wide,

Not a single fear crossed my mind.

My eyes found wonder in the darkest places,

I danced to the rhythm of grace.

Not a single hardship could take my laughter,

I persevere the race.

But now I look through a dirty mirror,

Oh innocence I cannot find you anymore.

You locked yourself in the shell of safety,

But the emptiness remains." ("The Race"- A Beauty Initiate Within Focus)



I wanted so badly for the emptiness and pain to just end. I wanted my mind to stop caving in.


I didn't want to be here, yet I didn't have a plan to end things. What had prevented me from doing anything was seeing the impacts of tragedies like that happen to close people in my life. I wanted my pain to end, but I did not want that to cause anyone else pain.


Quick tangent

I want to take a second here to talk about the myth that "suicide is selfish". There's a lot misconceptions that fall within that myth and people believe that it's a sign of weakness, a way to seek attention, or the lack of action on someone's behalf about getting help is the reason these things happen. But these misunderstandings suggest that people who are experiencing an immense amount pain make an impulsive decision without consideration for others. However, this is false.


Being "mentally weak" is a myth. That's just a fact and it contributes to the stigma. People are told to tough it out and build resilience. The reality is no one responds to life challenges, trauma, or stifling distress in the same way. It is not helpful to make judgement about anyone's internal world or experiences. Those assumptions can bring harm. If someone is sharing what is going on internally, telling them they are weak or to "be positive" or "let it go" is NOT supportive. It's a strength and an honor for someone to open up their internal world to you. Do not dismiss them. Listen to them with care, gentleness, and without judgement. Do not project things on to them.


People also do not make attempts to seek attention. They need immediate support. Writing off any attempts might only end up affirming beliefs that help is not available. I think many actually do try to seek for support. Maybe someone has worked with multiple therapists and did not get the support they needed. Maybe they have tried various treatments but it did not lead to improvement. It's also highly possible that a person has attempted to share their feelings but was brushed off, invalidated, and misunderstood. This can be exhausting, and it can become impossible to see possibilities that remain to receive support.


I'm offering this perspective to DEstigmatize what is said around this topic and to bring awareness to the language and ideas society inflicts. It needs to change. It has to in order for there to be better support, accessible resources, and true empathy for those who feel like they have done everything they can to keep going, and actually do not want to go to what seems like the last resort.


A reminder to anyone who has been in these shoes or is currently in this state- It is possible to keep going, my friend. I can promise you that. This world needs you and I'm sorry it has made you feel like it doesn't. The world is broken and can be so cruel. It doesn't define you or what you're here for. You have a purpose and you matter.




Mental Health Journey continued...

It wasn't until I voiced what was going on and made sure my two friends fully reciprocated it that they realized what was happening. They immediately made sure I got the support I needed. I started to see a counselor, take medicine, learned how to make some important lifestyle changes, and now am continuously learning how vulnerability is a strength and a strong, saving grace.


It was definitely not easy, and not a quick fix at all. But it has lead me here. Exploring the origins of my thought patterns, responses to people and experiences, and prioritizing what truly matters to ensure I live my most truest and authentic life. I found my spark again, but it was a feat to do so.


"Sometimes, even to live is an act of courage". -Lucius Annaeus Seneca

The impacts


I wanted to share this part of my story because, unfortunately, many do not get the support they need like I did. And that is just so heartbreaking. It's so sad to realize there are people in the world who feel like nothing matters anymore, including them. It's not the truth at all, but it can feel that way when the weight of the world holds you down to the point of pain, numbness, confusion and feeling trapped.

Many children of immigrants do not know how to seek for help in the area of mental health. We are taught to suppress what we are feeling to "keep the peace" within our collectivist families, and show that we are grateful for all the sacrifices made by our elders.


I am not placing blame on anyone for how our mental health has been impacted by generations before us. I mean, we do live in a society that tells us to be put together and positive all the time, and to strive to be successful, even if that means putting our minds on the back burner. We have also learned to carry intergenerational trauma. Trauma that was passed down because those before us did not have the language, tools or resources to realize how they have been impacted themselves. So when we are attempting to navigate multiple cultures and start to experience or verbalize our emotions, we are most likely put down for it. It may have not been direct, but we have been told to...


-Be grateful for what we have and to not speak up when things seem unfair.

-Honor the sacrifices made for us by doing everything that is expected of us.

-Feel an obligation to repay our loved ones with what we do, achieve, and how we live our lives- even if it doesn't always feel authentic or true to our hearts.


On the contrary, some of us have been told to "tone it down" when experiencing joy or happiness to its fullest extent. The reason being is to be protect ourselves for when life hits a low again. I think it's a survival technique. That if we don't allow ourselves to feel life's joy to the fullest because we know of life's sadness, then the next time we feel sorrow, it won't hurt as bad. No one wants to feel pain. No one wants to see their loved ones in pain. But it is not possible to protect anyone from their feelings of pain. And if there's a group of people who know the highs and lows of life, it's definitely immigrants.


This isn't a healthy way of coping though. We shouldn't have to hold back what we truly feel. We are only human, and I believe that part of the human experience is to embrace the mountains and valleys of life- choosing to be shaped with what these paths teach us in order to welcome the gift of our own breath, life, and what makes our heart beat.


"H.O.P.E.- Hold on; pain ends".

The Truths

If any of this resonates with you, I want you to know that you are not alone and that help is possible. It may seem and feel impossible. That feeling is just as real as the truth though- It is possible.


What you're experiencing isn't all in your head.

It's not your fault at all for feeling the way you are feeling.

It's real, raw, and can be recognized in a safe space, even if the thought of that seems uncomfortable.

You're not lacking in anything for having these experiences either.


You can be the part of a revolution to break the change of intergenerational trauma and lead future generations into a better, redefined, and holistic culture. One that thrives off of self-compassion, kindness, authenticity, and true vulnerability. One that lives more wholeheartedly and ensures the mental, physical, and emotional well being of others. One that continues to unfold and embrace individual self growth and is steadfast to integrity.


You have a purpose.

You MATTER.

You are so loved, and you are not what the lies engrained into your head are saying.

You are not a burden. You are a blessing- to others, to this world, to this moment in time, and even to you. You have worth even on the days you don't feel like it. You are loved, even when you feel the most unloveable.

You MATTER.


If you or a loved one is experiencing thoughts of anxiety, depression, or even suicide, please scroll down for resources to get immediate help or consider looking at my resources page for additional support.












Action Steps


*Note: I am not a counselor, but an advocate for mental health. The following steps are not to replace the support of a professional. They are simple steps you can try along side professional help or while seeking it out.*


-Write down the thoughts you're having and ask yourself if this is you believe what you wrote down. If you do, consider talking to someone you trust about it.

-Write down the name of someone you feel safe with to share any inmost thoughts too. If you feel like there is no one, I will remind you again that you are not alone and help IS available.

A big part of my journey was taking note of who was in my circle that I can share parts of my internal world with. The circle has changed since then and I am beyond grateful for the ones in my circle now. These people hold me accountable, help me to receive love and light in heavier seasons of life, and remind me of my self- growth that has shaped my life.


Click here to see a list of resources that has helped me in my own mental health journey.


I wish you the best of luck. Be kind to your mind and gentle with your heart.


Phone Numbers and Websites for immediate help:





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