Vulnerability is a strength

Recently, I shared something I had never shared with anyone else. It felt vulnerable. It was vulnerable. And it made my counselor tear up. Yep. You read that right.

I made my counselor tear up.

Keep reading to see how the strength of vulnerability creates connection, consolation, and confidence- with others and ourselves.

Wild. That's the one word I think of when I look at all the events from 2020 to present day. Everything has just felt wild. I don't know about you, but the stages of being in lockdown, quarantine, and trying to maintain some sort of normalcy these past two years has been quite a journey. I think most of us experienced many things coming up to the surface of our hearts as we had time to be alone. It uncomfortable to feel so exposed. So, how is vulnerability a strength if it's uncomfortable?

Let's start with talking about what vulnerability is.

Vulnerability = Connection

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.” -Brené Brown

Essentially, vulnerability is feeling/being exposed. As humans, we are naturally designed to desire connection. From birth to the end of everyone's story, we desire to be seen, known, cared for, and loved by another, with the truths we know about ourselves. Brené Brown says, "Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness."

Vulnerability isn't a weakness. Unfortunately, that is something society views it as. We are taught to suppress our emotions, "be positive", and exert out energy into doing more in all areas of our life to connect. We are not able to tend to what's beneath the surface. We are taught to attain happiness, no matter what life throws at us, and to find quick antidotes for any emotions that cause us to feel anything but happy. We can be transparent about how we feel, but can then feel like we're not doing something right. I think this stems from the fact that society views emotions such as grief, sadness, frustration, and etc. as negative. But are they negative? Or are they a signals to what our heart is trying to tell us? Is vulnerability being transparent with our emotions, or is it something more?

Who's in your fishbowl?

I heard this analogy of vulnerability vs. transparency once. Imagine you're in a fishbowl and you're going through a tough season. Let's say you lost something/someone. People outside of the fishbowl can see you. Things are transparent. They can see you are feeling down and express their sympathy from the outside. Maybe a,"hey, I'm sorry" or "things will get better. Just keep your head up!" is all they can share. They mean well, but these comments can make you feel invalidated, and push towards healing faster than it's meant to be available at that moment. It's uncomfortable. However, vulnerability is allowing others to see you where you're at and letting them into the fishbowl. There's more to it than the outside. It's an experience and an opportunity for connection. The discomfort of vulnerability can bring true, authentic connection and "is the bridge to connection" as Brené Brown would say.

Our emotions are a gift. They support us in navigating situations and are really a result of some kind of event. We are meant to feel our emotions, not suppress them. They are neutral and tools to see what our heart is trying to tell us, and what needs to be tended too.

Maybe you've tried to be vulnerable and was shut down. Maybe you were taught to conceal raw emotions because it caused some type of disturbance. Maybe you even felt shamed for feeling things and then shamed for questioning or attending to those feelings. I know in many cultures, including the South Asian culture, caregivers try to protect their loved ones from feeling any type of pain. The intention is out of love, but the impact has different effects. The truth is pain is inevitable. We all go through it, and will continue to experience it. But the other truth is this- we do ourselves a disservice by protecting others and ourselves by not facing what's building up internally. It's scary to do this, and it isn't easy.

If you resonated with anything just shared, I want you to know that you are NOT alone.

Your vulnerability matters, and you are brave for sharing it.

If you felt invalidated, shamed, or suppressed, I'm sorry that happened to you.

I am honored you found your way to this post, and I hope it rekindles your courage to share and your light again.

“Our emotions are a gift. They support us in navigating situations and are really a result of some kind of event. We are meant to feel our emotions, not suppress them. They are neutral and tools to see what our heart is trying to tell us, and what needs to be tended too."

Connection, Consolation and Confidence

As mentioned earlier, I recently shared something vulnerable in therapy to my counselor. I wasn't planning on sharing what I did. I was sharing some information and when asked a reflective question, I gave a very HONEST answer. I let her into my fishbowl. My being was desiring connection without judgment. Once I shared what I did, my therapist paused, looked at me with tears swelling up in her eyes and shared, "it breaks my heart to hear you say that. I just want to take a moment here for us to pause and acknowledge that pain." She closed her eyes and we took a moment to be still.

Then she said, "You're not the only one who has shared this with me. I am sorry this is something you experienced."

In that moment, I had felt seen, cared, loved, known, and still wanted all without judgement. I was received. I felt... "brutiful". As Glennon Doyle would say, "there is beauty to be found in the pain. Life is brutal, but it's also beautiful. Life is 'Brutiful'"

If I had chosen in that moment to brush over the question she had asked me, I would have not had the opportunity to create a deeper connection. I would not have been consoled as I needed in that moment. And I also wouldn't have grown in my own confidence in sharing parts of my story that I don't always like to share. I am grateful for that moment of vulnerability. To allowing myself to be seen for how I felt and believed in that moment, to then being received with such love, care, and heartfelt support.

“There is beauty to be found in the pain. Life is brutal, but it's also beautiful. Life is 'Brutiful'.”- Glennon Doyle

Vulnerability isn't comfortable. To be vulnerable is to be woundable. It's difficult to let ourselves be "exposed" by bringing our internal world to the outside. Not everyone will enter your fishbowl with mindful reciprocity. Many may stay outside at a safe distance because they might just be fearful of their own vulnerability that lies inside. You may hear invalidating comments and wonder why you shared something deeper with others in the first place.

But the important thing to note is this- we are BRAVE for doing this. The more we share our honest vulnerability, the more authentic connections we grow- not only with others but ourselves. We learn to have greater compassion and awareness. It's the key to emotional change, better relationships, new perspectives, and true empathy. With others and ourselves.

I recently read a profound quote that conveys the importance of facing vulnerability-

"Suffering that isn't transformed is transmitted."

Read that again.

"Suffering that isn't transformed is transmitted".

The more we bottle up, allow the iceberg of emotions to build, and keep things beneath the surface, the more that transmission of any type of suffering will catch up and manifest in unhealthy ways. This can look like picking fights, easily losing a temper, participating in unhealthy habits, etc.

But if we allow ourselves to let that suffering stored in each of us, speak of it very sincerely with the right people in a safe space, we can take it captive and transform it into a beautiful part of our stories- a part that embodies connection, consolation and confidence.

Vulnerability is a strength. Always.

I am extremely grateful for one of my best friends, Colleen Bartlett, sharing how she believes vulnerability is a strength. Our soul talks and her beautiful way of living out her life honoring her emotions has lead me to believe how vulnerability is a strength. Always.

Encountering our emotions and experiencing them to its most raw and fullest self is a wholehearted way of being human. We have the capability to feel joy in all its glory and also grief in its deepest pain. It's uncomfortable, but it's real, raw, and worth it.

Vulnerability is truly a strength, and that strength abides in YOU, my friend. Even if it doesn't always feel like it does. It's there and I hope you can tap into it.

Let's give ourselves permission to be human. To share how we are truly feeling, and see who is safe to be in our fishbowl. Let's let ourselves experience laughter, sadness, frustration, and the boldness of emotions to its deepest amount as humans are designed to do. Let's not protect ourselves from our feelings, but embrace them and feel them, so we can heal and express greater love and compassion to ourselves and others.

Action Steps

-Here's a little mindfulness exercise you can do to practice being vulnerable. Note*: No one is "good" at being vulnerable. It isn't a goal for us to attain or accomplish. It's an act of self-love to be honest with ourselves and others, so we can create space for authentic connections and experience life to the fullest.

- Take a look inward, as uncomfortable as it might be, and think about how you are feeling. Are you happy, sad, frustrated or joyful? A mix of emotions? Simply observe how you are feeling without judgement. It's also okay to feel two emotions at once (e.g. sad and happy). In fact, that's completely normal.

-Once you labeled how you're feeling, tell yourself, "it's okay to feel this way". I find that saying this little mantra helps me to accept where I am at. Repeat it to yourself if you have to.

-Think about where that emotion or emotions stemmed from. What event caused you to feel this way? Again, simply just observe without judgement.

-Once you get to the root, feel free to write it down in a journal or discuss it with a trusted, loved one. Someone in your fishbowl :) Processing these emotions beneath the surface and practicing being vulnerable is key to emotional change. It will cultivate meaningful interpersonal and intrapersonal relationships, and increase resilience and bravery to whatever life brings us.

If you felt this was a bit complicated and you're unsure of how you're feeling or what led you to feel this way, I encourage you to talk to a loved one or a mental health professional. It is okay to ask for help and receive support to untangle what is beneath the surface.