But what will people think?
The popular saying in the South Asian community that influences our dreams, inner narrative, and decisions.
I recently got a tattoo (see below!). It was both a planned and spontaneous decision. I’ve always wanted one and finally settled on this design I created with inspiration from Etsy, my own doodles, and the tattoo artist (shout out to you, John!). This tattoo represents my personal mental health journey, particularly the last 5 or so years. I definitely love it, but it was quite an emotional feat to get here.
*Note: As you continue to read, feel free to click on the underlined orange font to see additional blog posts and resources*
Do what's best... for everyone
Growing up in a collectivist culture, there is an emphasis on doing what is best for the group, especially when it comes to making decisions. There’s a saying in the South Asian community that many hear that can change the course of a life and sometimes even ruin dreams.
"What will people think?"
I shudder whenever I hear this. This question asked by mainly the older generations seems to come from a place of wanting to uphold honor and reputation (Kaur, 2021). The collective culture thrives off of “being a good person” and “doing what’s best for the group” as a whole. Even a decision like getting a tattoo, a particular haircut, to whoever we decide to date or marry, can have an impact on the group. I’m sure some of this sounds ridiculous to want to appease others. But it is the norm for many children of immigrants.
As mentioned in my post, “Culturally Confused”, feeling “too brown” with my white friends and “too white” with my brown family, life can be hard to navigate when the influences of multiple cultures is a constant affair. It makes you think and question almost everything you do. One culture says, “do what’s best for you only” and the other says, “do what’s best for everyone”. This can bring up lots of guilt and shame.
Taking the next best step is an act of self respect and care. Your mind is your own garden- that needs tilling, watering, nourishment, and tender, loving care that only YOU truly provide.
Intuition vs. Reality
Growing up, I intuitively knew I was different in each group I was in- whether it was my own family, friend groups, at church, at school, etc. I felt like the “black sheep”. I didn’t always get the brown or white references to pop culture. It sometimes took me longer to process what someone is saying because I had to linguistically code switch. I also showed more interest in the creative arts, an area considered to be less affluent in the eyes of my elders.
Though I felt this way often, I knew I desired true, authentic connections, regardless of race and culture. I believe that we are all human and are journeying through this earth together with our vast experiences and stories. We all desire connection with each other and have the same innate longing for something more. As I reached different stages of life, I had been conditioned to suppress my real thoughts, feelings, and inner self. I became disconnected with myself to attempt to stay connected to cultures I didn’t even feel like I totally belonged in. It's sad to look back and see how I succumbed to the fear of “what will people think?”. Unfortunately, I think that is the case for a lot of children of immigrants.
It wasn’t until I moved away from home and started a new chapter in my life away from all things familiar that I started to recognize what was being suppressed. In a new environment with really just myself for company, the things that were once suppressed came up to the surface. This began my journey of uncovering the messy, the hard, and the things that needed healing. Thankfully, because I held on to the truth that we are all human and there is something worth embracing about that, the more I learned to turn inward. It was scary and uncomfortable, but it brought repair where I needed. I used my faith as a tool and sought out resources to help navigate the guilt, shame, confusion, and longing for peace that came with suppression. I discovered that instead of answering, “what will people think?”, I wanted to answer these questions instead:
- Am I living the way I feel called to live?
- Am I living up to the values important to me to show up wholeheartedly?
-Am I going to live my life for others or live for whatever my God-given purpose is? (Whether I know of it in this life or not?)
Soul Search
I think part of the reason it’s difficult for children of immigrants to make decisions is because we know what it’s like when people within our communities look down on us for doing something that doesn’t benefit them or the whole group. It’s sad to say, but it’s true. The decisions we make outside of the collectivist culture still impacts everyone IN the collectivist culture. It is a hard weight to carry. If anyone reading this can relate, I hope you know that you are not alone. The confusion, guilt, shame, and any other emotions you feel beneath the surface is valid. You don’t have to suffocate in trying to always do what’s best for the group. It’s okay to do things for you.
I suggest answering the following questions with someone you trust can provide some clarity and breathing room.
-Is doing what’s best for the group eating you up inside?
- Do you want to be a “peacekeeper” or a “peacemaker” forever?
- Do you want to have an impact on the world the way you are meant to and not how you are told to?
-Do you feel responsible for the well being of others?
If so, here’s a gentle reminder that you are not responsible for how others react to a decision you made. It's a hard truth, but a constant reminder I have to tell myself daily.
“The expectations of others doesn't have to be your reality."
Read that again. “The expectations of others doesn't have to be your reality.”
This was shared to me by a wonderful chaplain I met in graduate school. A belief that can be applied to those struggling within a collectivist group. Hearing this felt like something released inside of me. For once in my life, I felt like I was given the permission to choose myself freely and trust that I wouldn’t be reprimanded. Because fear can do this. It can make you care so much about other's perception of you that its all you hear. At the end of the day, our lives will play out the way they are meant to, and however we decide to choose to live it is what impacts our living reality. This can be out of fear or out of faith.
So how does this relate to a wildflower?
Well, as I started thinking about what I would want for a tattoo, I realized I tend to doodled wildflowers subconsciously since I was a child. I find them all over my old notebooks, sketches, and when I am trying to process something, I pretend to draw them with my finger on a surface. I also find joy in noticing the little pops of color from wildflowers whenever I'm on a nature walk. As I researched these dainty figures so often overlooked, I learned that wildflowers actually grow in places where they are not planted. Isn’t that how life works for us humans? We go through seasons and live in areas we never thought we would and grow. It takes us up hills and in valleys. Then when we reach our landing place, we look back and see our growth in all those areas we didn’t think we were planted or even growing in.
During the voyage of life, we may feel like an irrelevant "weed" in the process of growing. For those who can identify as a child of immigrants, learning to give into the cultural influences around us can make us detach from our inner selves. We long for that inner voice to be heard and tended to, whether we realize it or not.
If you feel like you have ignored a part of you for so long, know that it isn’t your fault. The voices around us can become so loud that it’s all we hear. But it’s not too late to listen to you and what you want. And it’s not selfish. It’s a form of self respect.
“The expectations of others don't have to be your reality."
There is a common misconception that wildflowers are considered to be weeds, an undesirable plant growing wild and taking from the garden. But in actuality, wildflowers play a vital part to the ecosystem. Here's a little science lesson! 🔬
Wildflowers are important pollinators as they provide resources such as seeds, nectar pollen and leaves for food and life. Planting them supports organisms, like bees and butterflies, which in turn help provide sources for wildlife and people. If these little, delicate flowers that are here one day, then uprooted or blown into the wind to a new place can have an impact, doesn’t that go to show how we can as well? Regardless of what culture we are in?
Daily practice of love and admiration
My journey to my mental health wellbeing has been quite a difficult, yet valuable one. And if you are reading this, I’m sure you are feeling similar. I am grateful for how much I have grown. Like a wildflower, I have learned to embrace seasons and build resilience, untangle some tight knots beneath the surface, which has only shown me that the more untangling I do, the more space there is for self-compassion, love, grace and truth. I have learned to get to the root of things and uproot if needed. These practices have helped me to nourish my mind in order to flourish in my life- no matter what season I am in. My tattoo is a daily reminder that if the wildflowers can nourish the ecosystem and revitalize life, then I too can feed the garden in my heart and mind with what is truly good and nurturing. Doing this is a daily practice and by no means easy, but deciding what is best for my garden has only helped me to show up for myself and others wholeheartedly.
Wildflowers also serve as reminders that when we are brought to unexpected places and seasons in our lives, we still matter. Our presence matters, and we still have a purpose. Succumbing to what others say around us can dismiss the way we see ourselves. This was the case for me. I know I have always felt like a wallflower growing up. And there isn’t anything wrong with being one. They are quite reflective thinkers! But when you start to believe that your whole identity is a wall flower and unworthy of investing in yourself for the fear of what other people would think, the lies can become embedded so internally.
🌻 Be a wildflower with me 🌻
So here’s to being a wildflower, embracing my mental health journey, faith journey and self-growth journey; to changing the question of, “what will people think?” to, “am I showing up authentically and wholeheartedly for myself and others?” Here’s to being gentle with myself on the days it’s harder to ask and answer this question. Here’s to beginning again and rising strong, and remembering the wisdom I have found along the way. Here’s to being a wildflower.
Action Steps
You don’t have to go and get a tattoo to do the inner work! But I suggest taking the time to answer the questions asked above. Again, I would say it’s best to answer this with a trusted friend, family members, counselor, or anyone you feel emotionally safe with.
Is doing what’s best for the group eating you up inside? It's okay to be honest with yourself here. Honesty can bring freedom.
Do you want to be a “peacekeeper” or a “peacemaker” forever?
Do you want to have an impact on the world the way you are meant to, and not how you are told to?
Do you feel responsible for the well being of others? If so, here’s a gentle reminder that you are not responsible for how others react to a decision you made. You can be your own person and still show up, and love those around you. Write this on a post it and put it somewhere you can see daily. Or put a reminder in your phone to read this truth. Have an accountability buddy to ensure you do this.
- Reflect on a decision or decisions you have made in the past that felt like it impacted your cultural group. How did you handle the situation? Can you show yourself some self-compassion if the outcome outweighed the peace you wanted?
- Ponder how you can make better decisions in the future that will impact the collectivist group. Think about how you will go about making decisions in a way that you are showing up for yourself and still loving those around you- regardless of how they may react?.
-If you are thinking about seeing a therapist, feel free to check out my resources page here. A lot of what I write about comes from my experiences, reflections and breakthroughs I’ve had in therapy. If it feels scary to decide, know this- you taking action by looking into therapy or attending a session doesn’t make you a bad person or a failure to your loved ones. Taking the next best step is an act of self respect and care. Your mind is your own garden- that needs tilling, watering, nourishment, and tender, loving care that only YOU truly provide.
References
Kaur, R. (2021). "Shame and Guilt" . South Asian Therapists
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